Mom,

We have a new Pope, mom... Pope Francis I... He is Argentine, first non-European Pope...

I try not to talk to you... I avoid your call... Well, despite what happened in the hospital... I still want to cry to you... but I know it is not wise... you are so far away and hearing about my pain would only trouble you and feel helpless because you can't be here...

Anyhow, I decided not to move at the old house... I decided, but I have not told them about it... If my brother decides to move, then we will move... but I won't initiate moving... and I don't think my brother would initiate the move... He really does not want to move...

Plus, they are getting a part of their inheritance... so they would have money and that they can support us...

So, yes mom... I am in pain and that i'm scared (anxiety attack and self pitying)... but don't worry... you raised a fighter... a very strong fighter...

I love you, mom...

Dear Alex,

You were upset... why?

It couldn't be what was for dinner, 1st you were long upset before that... and you like what it is... but you refuse to eat... so why?

Oh so it rained in the late afternoon and early evening and you were worried you can't sleep outside... you like sleeping outside... mainly because, well, you were able to sleep there... you sleep like a baby if you sleep outside the house, under the moon and stars... and you are able to sleep early... unlike, if you are in you bed... you tend sleep talk and walk, keeps moving around the bed, you are very restless...

That was it, wasn't it...? But then you are rationale enough to know that you can not blame anyone for the rain... you know that no one can control the weather..? Given that you were worried to not able to sleep... but then again, you were upset before hand, the rain just aggravated it...? So what started it...?

Another theory is that you were talking about moving already to the old house... and well, they have cleaned it already last Saturday and it's already Monday... you have not move in yet, and that one of your cousins mentioned the old house is dusty again... in the talk over lunch, it seemed you are to move that afternoon... but your brother just kept playing online game, from after lunch and didn't stop until it started raining. Which, after, he we to sleep...

Yes, that's upsetting, that will upset anyone... Not you, though... you have qualms about moving out your tita and being on your own at the old house...as a matter of fact you could have told your brother that you are to move already and your brother would just obey... but you were afraid to make that decision, you wanted your brother or someone else to make the decision...

...

That was it!!!

You can't make the decision and no one did make the decision for you... if only... and the reason for that is that you are afraid that if you decide and things does not work out, you have no one to blame but your self...

you are always finicky... you are coward that way...

I understand... but one should avoid it... one should try not to... you shouldn't...

Dear Brothers,

Another have fallen, he was 20 and his family have turned their back on him...

Don't ask me for details... I only read about it at twitter... we don't even follow each other... I know, I'm such a snob... I did read his twits... his last twit was he is going to die soon... it broke my heart... how his family turned their back on him... a scene of him alone in a small room, crying, wishing for death already keep flashing in my head... thinking, he could use a hug or even just someone to hold his hand...

I twitted, "why do we allow this to happen?" Well, yes, this should not happen... but I guess, it could not be helped...

Although, I used to dream of putting up a hospice... I used to buy lottery tickets hoping I win the jackpot just for that purpose... hospice for PLA's that have nowhere to go or just need a place to stay... it would also be a center of support for PLAs... I don't know how I would go about it... but I'l cross the bridge when I get there... but then, hirap manalo sa lotto!!!

+++

My lola's house is ready, as ready it could be, for us to move...

I grew up there...

I am not sure about moving there... I am to gamble... I tend to be choosy on where I sleep, I have trouble sleeping here at my Tita's, on my own bed... so I sleep outside, in a papag, under the moon and stars...I was lucky... I am not sure if I would be as lucky at the old house... 2nd, we would be on our own... and with money scares and my brother having no sense of responsibility--my brother takes care of me, but I have to ask... it is not automatic for him to wake up in the morning or 12 noon because he knows he have to prepare something to eat...I have to ask... and I am really not someone to ask... perhaps egotistic of me...

+++

I am staying with my tita... we don't have a room but I have a bed, a real bed, set up at the living room... my brother sleeps at the couch...

We sleep at the living room, where the TV is... not that I hate tv or that I am not grateful to my tita but well, I am having problems.... 

I sleep early... like 8 pm early.... shortly after taking my meds, I tend to get really sleepy... but I can't sleep with the tv on... and I can't ask them to turn it off otherwise they'll miss their favorite soap--I myself would really want to stay up to see what happens to Rebecca and Serena... My only remedy is to sleep at the papag outside the house... No cushion... just bamboo against my back... under the moon and stars.... it does get cold... really cold.... with the wind gushing...

I do manage to sleep though... I tend to wake up at around 2 am.... because it becomes really cold.... sometimes I go back in--they are done watching TV... or sometimes, being I am too sleepy, I try to sleep again... I have to take another set of meds at around 3 am... not strictly.... but I wake up again... that is when I come back in... and sleep in my bed in the living room....

I downloaded, pirate that I am, the Oscar show... and thought I wanted to see "Life of Pi" and "Anna Karenina"... not "Argo" or "Lincoln"... I don't think they are for me...

I'm done with "Anna Karenina" and it is ready for watching.... I checked though but there seemed to be a problem with the audio... too low.... I tried using headset but still.... I'll try to remedy it....

"Life of Pi" is on the way....

We are set to move to my lola's house.... things just needs to be fixed in the house.... there we can have our own room.... I think I could actually have my old room there.... Let us see...

sleep

I was able to sleep last night outside the house.... Literally.... under the moon and stars.... we have this papag outside.... and I went to lay there after dinner and taking my ARV.... 8PM... and I was able to sleep... Quietly... peacefully...

Well, I sleep early... as much as I want to stay awake for "Apoy Sa Dagat".... I tend to doze off... problem is... or so they say... I tend to be restless in bed.... moving around the bed.... sleep talking.... sleep walking.... the last time, I was told I insisted on putting my flipflops on my face....

But I was asleep at the papag.... or so they say again.... They say they were checking on me.... afraid I might wonder off asleep....but I was asleep, just asleep.... deeply.... not bothered by my neuropathy.... I was told that I usually complain in my sleep.... well, I woke up at pass 3, almost 4 in the morning.... hungry and need to take my TB meds....

the advise is, to take the tb meds with an empty stomach, about 2-3 hours before breakfast, so I take it at around 3 in the morning.... no alarm clock, I usually wake up at that hour, hungry.... so I usually take the tb meds, after I eat.... they always leave food on the table because they know I get hungry in the middle of the night....

+++

My neuropathic pain is at it's worst.... it already affect the whole legs.... and though I have high tolerance to pain.... I am having trouble with it already.... Pregablin helps.... it does not eliminate the pain.... but it does help... i don't know if it is the mood enhancer or really it does work.... just need to up the dosage.... but you need a doctor"s prescription for that.... and that the doctor may have problem upping it as it is addictive...

I need the pregablin to sleep... as I said it does relieve the pain... problem is pregablin cost 113 each 150mg... very costly.... we try to buy at least one a day, just to get me through the night....

+++

new pants

Pregablin--113PhP each... bought 3, 339PhP....

My cousin went ukay shopping and found me a pair of jeans... it's Gap.... It was nice....

I have a lot of jeans... pants.... I have more than 20 pairs.... but they no longer fit me.... because I lost a olot weight... this jeans fit me just right.... 150PhP.... I will be wearing it when I go to  Manila.... Hopefully tomorrow...

Need to go to Manila for my ARV...

I need to get back on my ARV...

black spot

I went to an eye doctor today...

We were there early but the Doctor came in 11:00 and our turned came only after past 12 noon...

I am seeing dark spots on my vision, which I think is causing my nausea...

The other day, I have myself check on an optical shop in a mall, and impulsively bought a pair of eye glasses... the glasses cost 4500 Php... It didn't resolve the problem...

The dark spots are still there...

The doctor asked me to stop TB meds... encourage continue taking vit b supplement... prescribe a drug for my nausea... and ordered a test--visual field tes... 1500Php... I don't have the money....

@poz_angel called me...

I broke down...

He said if he was just with me, he would hug me...

I really needed that hug...